The Fertility Files

Daily Temp: 97.9

The cycle has gone by with one baby born and finding out another person is pregnant. That pregnant person is not me. I started to get excited with 8 days of high temps, but with a 97.9 this morning my hopes are dashed.

I can't feel too terrible since I was no where near my husband on the "go" days. We gave it our best shot.

When we started this go back in January I was hopeful that it wouldn't take too long. Some little bit of me thought it wouldn't be this hard. I still want so badly to believe that.

I'm tired of it being difficult. I'm tired of being the infertile. I'm tired of struggling with money. And what the hell does that have to do with anything? Money=testing. I don't have the money so I can't do the testing that I need. I want to pick up the phone and call the RE and just get it all over with. I'd like to know if getting pregnant is even possible. It would be nice to have a clear direction. But for now we'll give it our all and keep trying.

Daily Temp: 97.7

I have a bit of the crazies today. Cranky, irritable, yelly. There is no particular reason for this. Probably stress. Work stress, family stress, that kind of stuff. In any case it is making me a not nice person.

Over the past year I have worked really hard to get the crazies under control. This time last year I was about ready to lose my shit at the smallest thing in the world. Now through the miracle of ancient medicine I'm at least 90% "normal." That isn't to say that I don't have my occasional case of the crazies.

It usually is once a month. Isn't that the case with most women? This isn't your typical PMS stuff. This is full blown, want to jump out of my skin, lack the capacity to even use my please and thank yous crazy. I can't even fix my hair without wanting to pull a Brittany and shave it all off. It is best that I just stay in bed on those days, but life won't let me. I have work to get done, things to do and a life to lead. It may be less of a life on those days, but at least I got out of the bed. (there was a time when that was the best thing that happened all day)

It isn't time for my usual crazy. This is an unusual one. Not exactly sure what's up with it, but I think I need a nice Moxa fix to tame this beast.

Daily Temp: 97.8

My temp finally went back down into the range of "normal." That helps me believe that things are working as they should. Should being the operative word.

I spent the weekend noticing every pregnant belly around me. What the heck did people do last fall? Is is just because I'm frustrated or are there a helluva lot of pregnant chicks out there. Beautiful glowing faces and cute round bellies are everywhere. Whereas I'm this zit faced loon trying to hold her shit together.

Daily Temp: 98.5

What the hell. Talk about a wonky start to a cycle. It's still a bit off. I started odd spotting last Tuesday, thought things were starting on Thursday and nothing major until yesterday. No serious cramps (that's a good thing) and no breast tenderness. I did have the I-want-to-kill-everyone-around-me on Tuesday. Thus the thinking that Wednesday was my day.

Things are still a bit off temperature wise. 98.5 isn't even close to normal for me. And a consistent 98.4-5 is way off. My normal temp runs in the low 97s. It's been so strange that Thursday I found myself buying a pregnancy test just to be sure. When there was only one line I felt like crying a little, like always, but held it together. One more month to get it all right I suppose.

I'm damned determined to get it all this month. OPK (new digital one!), temping, charting, tea... all of it.

Of course this negative reinforces the fact that I resolved to call the RE this cycle. It will be my first foray into help by a Western doc. I'm scared. I don't know what I have to be afraid of. The acupuncturist says they are no pressure to go with treatments. I just want the testing. Hell... the insurance pays for that. Of course insurance pays for up to 6 IUIs. Lucky us I know. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Daily Temp: 98.4

1a? What was supposed to happen yesterday didn't and in all likelihood will happen {eventually} today. At least that's the plan... best laid plans I suppose.

My own personal fertility file reads somewhat like a disjointed book. A lot of talk amounting to nothing. Doctor switches, avoidance of the 'traditional' methods and finally landing in an uncharted territory.

Last summer I settled on Traditional Chinese Medicine. It was originally to get me off the edge of the mental apocalypse. It worked and when I felt well enough to have another go at the baby making we started again. That was 6 months ago. Here I am 6 months later, still not pregnant and still drinking icky tasting tea.

The western doc suggests I see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. The Eastern Doc thinks I should too. I'll call when this cycle finally makes its grand entrance. For now I hold out hope that this might be our month. Not likely, but possible.

Daily Temp: 98.5

Today I start a new adventure. I'm not new to this blogging thing. I've been here before. I've started numerous blogs, deleted some and continue to write others. But this is a topic I've never addressed in depth.

It is something that I prefer to talk about separate from the rest of my daily life. Welcome to my life in the fertility files.

I've been here before. Struggling with infertility. I didn't make it through last time. So why would a past failed attempt at pregnancy (or rather 37+) bring me back to trying again? Things have changed and I suppose I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment. Wow, that sounds optimistic huh?

Here we are trying again and on cycle #6. Follow me as we delve deeper into... The Fertility Files.